The United Kingdom came last at Eurovision last night, and I think as a nation we couldn’t be any prouder.
The Euro Song contest is a nonsense, and we all know it, and to win it is to saddle your national broadcaster with a huge bill and the task of being bigger and better than last year. As it happens, Germany won it this time around in the form of Lena, a pretty young thing in a Little Black Dress who sang her song like she needed to go for a pee.
Next year, Germany will have even more to pay to keep Europe happy after bailing out half the Eurozone this year already. They still seem to be trying to apologize for all the nastiness that certain individuals have carried out in their name.
But we came last. 10 points. Better than the time that we got nothing at all, but not much. And we love it. I can’t think of any other nation in the world which is quite so happy with humiliating defeat, and who’s to say that’s not a bad thing after all.
It certainly made for a wealth of witty (and not so witty) Tweets. Who’d have thought that “apricot stone” could have trended. Especially when it wasn’t the Armenian singer’s apricots we were interested in, but her peaches.
Anyway. Well done Lena. And well done Pete Waterman for writing a tune which was so pants that it couldn’t even beat poor old Belarus, whose pop industry consists of an old woman with a balloon and a pin.